I have struggled with
admitting this without sounding elitist or being judged, but I was not sure I
was cut out to be a mother.
I am the oldest of five from
a working class Catholic family. I was the designated "smart one",
and I wore that title proudly. I graduated from high school at 16 and college
at 19, and I felt the pressure to so something grand in my life.
When I was in high
school, my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and I was thrust into the
caregiver role for my siblings when my saint mom was too ill. Being a young
teenager who knew too much about cancer, but not enough emotional maturity to
process it, I shut down to block out my fears. I judged myself too since I was
a perfectionist and I couldn't fix things. Somehow that morphed into thinking I
would not ever be good enough to protect or nurture any future family, so I
just kept on studying.
My original dream was to
work for the State Department. I spoke three languages and was learning another. I
spent my junior year in Montreal and realized I would need more education if I
wanted to pursue that, so I applied to Georgetown and got in, but funds were
iffy so I deferred. I met my husband in college, and because we both had brain
malfunctions at the same time, we got married a year after I graduated. J. was
working full time and finishing his engineering degree. The plan was I would stay
on the fast track at my job while Joe finished, and then I would finish my
masters and apply to State. Fast forward a year. In the dark ages of birth
control, I had to take a break and immediately got pregnant. There were plenty
of snickers and we were shocked.
It was a precarious labor
with both me and the baby in danger, and I was not allowed to hold her for three days,
but that moment erased all doubts that I could love more than I thought
possible. I will skip the rest, but I never got my masters, it took my husband seven more
years to finish his degree, I switched from fast track to slow track to part
time to work at home mom, and we had three more children. There were plenty of
bumps, a cancer diagnosis for me too, plenty of years when my husband was building his
career and I was essentially single, and many child rearing mistakes that my
kids still hold over my head. Currently, all four are doing what they love which
was our hope. I focus on that when I am disappointed that Mom and Dad are not
central in their lives anymore, and I find myself questioning if I had more
children than I should have, or did I lose myself raising them.
What I would love new moms to
know is being unsure of yourself is normal, dreams will change and you will
adapt, and never let other people's expectations and statements define you and
your motherhood. I am still the person who values life long learning, and I got
to instill that in my kids. They have taught me plenty too, but I will never
learn to love snakes or baby powder pancakes. They also picked up some of my
bad traits, but I am thrilled I embraced motherhood and took a chance.
DS
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